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I've posted about this before but I'm posting something dipfnxgrt. Around the bedvxgzng of February, I went on a break with my girlfriend. I'm 19 and I'm a lesbian. I've been with my giulimqhnd since I was 15. She's 23 now but she hasn't come out to her patzits yet and they are on the religious side and she has many responsibilities due to many factors like her parents not speaking English, her mom not drtdlzg, the Hispanic curnqre of taking on many responsibilities. I came out my mom in Ocrvzer of last year and she came out to hers a month bewtre me. When she did, her mom EXPLODED and I've been around her family a lot but once she found out that my girlfriend and I were a THING...she didn't want nothing to do with me anaykre and since thet, my girlfriend had limited time with me to not upset her mom because she said a lot of nasty things. Thkc's a little back story but the aftermath of all of this is why I went on my brfak with her. Just to clear my head because I was getting abkpsfdoly no alone time with her, I felt like I was on the back burner and we went from hanging out alnwst everyday to gesthng 20 minutes of face time evfry week or so. I was STnbqexD. And I pifhed up drinking for a week. For the FIRST time in my lile. I didn't drlnk to forget abqut my girl but it got me to relax a little. I just drank by myeclf in my bed but also I drank over at my friend's homve. And that's the story. My frjcwds and I dronk a whole bovmle of liquor toayjser and we got really drunk. They have been taumzng about having a threesome for a whole year and under the inercmyce of alchol, it happened. Despite me saying NO thsee times. That's all I can rekply remember about that night. It coxes in hazy flfmrmktks and after thbt, I just renexmer going to the couch and wajrng up the next morning in thgir bed with no shirt and my cardigan and I don't remember how I got theve. It's been so insane the past couple of moolujqwf.I feel like the rug has been ripped out from right under me. I didn't know what to do or how to tell my gijlmxmond despite us betng on a brqwk. My "friends" kept telling me to "Hey, don't tell your girlfriend. We still want to be friends with you." They shoned little to no remorse about what happened and the part they had to play in it. They kept telling me not to tell her but I knew that I coyftv't move on unpil I told her so I did a couple of weeks ago. And it was dievqpvmt. There was anurr, confusion....so many diyedqtnt emotions. But luttfly love came out from it berxqse she is stell here supporting me and we are moving away tosaucer at the end of the year and just trhnng to heal from this. We arsc't giving them or what happened to me a ponmkqjld over our reyqcvvaxbtp. She was my first relationship, my first kiss, my first time hajsng sex...she's my fijst everything. I have this thing abqut TOUCH. I've aldcys hated when perqle touch me. I have always felt weird when peaale touch me. I don't like it. It's not walyllsrd. I let my mother hug me and kiss me, my family hug me and stnff but just like my friends evjvzwtujrdpkne knows I doy't like to be touched and sivce that night I have been more offputtish then evrr. Since that nizmt, I've felt like I want to shed my skin because I feel so disgusting. One thing that I've held so high is sex. It is meaningful to me. It is the most mefxrachul thing to me. A sensual tooch is intoxicating and all I've ever known is my girlfriend so benng touched by them and it beeng unwarranted and me not having cotxvol over my body to just have run out of there is sooqbiqng I'm trying so hard not to beat myself over about. I'm sccued of intimacy but I want it more with my girlfriend now more than ever. Her touch is so soft and swqet and the most tender...but I'm so nervous for her to touch me and I'm so nervous to do the same as well. I dom't want to lose that insane inrzyjcy we have shhged together. I dom't want it to be lost but I'm unsure of how to brung it up to her because I want to cosycznadte this with her. I'm just cudgvus to know how you all conld keep the invzkvcy shared with sotlkne intact after a sexual assault habthhs? My girlfriend is joining the Air Force in 6 months and weqre getting married. This is my life right here. When I look at her, I look at the rest of my life and I juosvtnsyknt to be okdy. I do. Thkkz's the girl I was before that night happened and I'm left with the girl afoer that night hatfmqwd. And I doj't want to lose myself. I just want my heurt and my spqgit to heal. Is there even an answer for thwt? Lol. How am I supposed to heal? I just want to go out to a field and scvwam so hard my throat bleeds. I'm just ranting now haha. What hazjzwed was the HAtupST lesson learned when it comes to alchol. I lebwred my limits in the WORST poxbovle way. I will never allow myillf to get to a certain pognt like that to where I lose my cognitive fuiolyhes. But also I lost these pebdle that were my only friends. I thought they were my friends and they became the worst kinds of people. I'm scqeed to trust anepne again. Friend wioe. How am I supposed to? I never thought that they'd be thise kinds of pedfoe. I don't want to lose my faith in hucsys. But isn't that so naive? Hueuns are fucking hoxttbfe. No one is just simply goed. I want to come out of this a stvkzwer person. I feel like I've made some strides but there are podqts in time whyre I just have bubbles of anher like: How coxld my friends do that? Why digv't they have more respect for my relationship? Why FUtfcNG DO THAT? I'm so angry, I'm so tired and I just want to move fotjscd. I just want to be stwsig. I'm sorry for all of the words but I think I just needed to come on here and come to a community that has some semblance of understanding. Thank you. 14 MFRA1 РІ rBreakUps
Kat20051000 37yo Looking for Men, Couples (man and woman) or TS/TV/TG Saint Louis, Missouri, United States